Shame was my TRUE problem

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If I were asked to sum up my past mistakes or challenges, I would begin to write….I would list all the mistakes I have made, all the missteps, all the pain I caused myself and others and after looking at the list,  my biggest hurdle has been shame.  Shame for having known better yet chose poorly. Shame because I did things against my will just to not hear others.  Shame because the effects of the mess I either created or allowed be created got out of hand.  Shame because I let everyone off the hook and I stayed behind to clean it up.  Shame because I did this to myself and at the end I have no one else to blame. 

When I look at my life I see I have come very far, I have learned so much and I have changed who I am and how I do things.  As much as “shame” played a huge role in my life, I also must acknowledge that it is the driving force behind the fire in my heart.  Whenever I feel pain, whenever I feel fear, I think back at that shame as my enemy, as the enemy which I will never allow to take control again.  It was shame that kept me in fear, it was shame that made me withdraw, it was shame that kept me from my loved ones and it was shame that made me feel as a failure. 

I can’t undo the past, and the truth is that if given the chance I would probably not take it.  Why? because even though I still have ways to go, the person I am today is a much better version of the person I was.  The person I am today stands tall even in adversity while the old I could not take the pain. 

Why do I share this with you today?  I share this because my problems were financial issues, lack of confidence, overweight, relationships…….I had all the labels for my problems, yet they really all went back to SHAME. 

We need to understand our true pain, and use that pain to push ourselves toward recovery.  Until we face the TRUE problem, until we understand it, we are not able to create the change we so desperately need.   Things may never get back to normal, relationships may never be the same, we might not even recognize who we become, yet we must keep moving in faith knowing that we are on the journey of our lives…..the journey to fulfill our purpose, to make a difference in our lives and in the lives of others.