As odd as that may sound it is the truth. I was in a alone in my marriage, I made all the decisions alone, I dealt with stress alone and cleaned up the mess alone. I was so alone that I even decided to divorce alone. If that makes any sense! I craved actual alone moments because in those moments I wasn't lonely, silence was expected.
So I lived that way and I adapted. I never thought of feeling lonely on the contrary I craved having alone moments to myself. But after the divorce, 2 years to m be exact, those around me did not want me to be lonely. They saw what I didn't and that was I had no share with. So they made it a point to open my eyes to this sad reality......."I was alone".
OK, so now that you made me realize this, now what? Now what do I do with this loneliness? Well, that's when things really got complicated. You see I am really good at connecting in a professional way, really bad at mingling with the opposite sex in a "interested way". Oh boy, I was so out of my comfort zone. Now that I think of it, I was always this way. My ex husband pursued me in high-school even after me rejecting him for some time. He was committed to dating me and finally I accepted. If not, who knows if I would have met someone as I was not too comfortable in my own skin.
Two years after my divorce and feeling happy alone, now I am entering the "wanting a relationship" status. Was I ready? NOPE! Although I had no idea of how much I was not ready for this. Well, meeting men in my 40's was not easy. Many men as I think women are taking a vacation from the responsibilities from the past and simply want fun. Not this lady.......I don't do fun! To me fun is taking long drives, walking on the beach, going to the movies or hanging out with friends. That is my idea of fun. Sex in the City lifestyle is not my idea of a great night, it simply is not! To me its about trust.....the circle of trust in which those I connect with can enter.
The more men I met, the more disappointed I was, and honestly I was not sure if the problem was them or me. It's hard when you set your mind on a vision and no one is aligned to it. So, let me tell
you with all honesty, this "Lonely" feeling has probably been the most challenging time of my life.
But as I am writing this message, this is what I have learned........Having a vision in my mind of what I want is exactly how it should be and the problem is not them and it's not me. The problem is on who I am connecting with. You see, if you stick to your vision, you will in time find the person who matches that vision but when you rush, you connect with everyone.
Let's think of it this way......If you want a car and you have no idea, all you know is that it has to have an engine, wheels and seats.....then you will go about to every dealership or every corner there is a car for sale. You will look around and as you view and inspect you will decide if yes, no or maybe.
But when you know the type of car you want and why, you go straight to the dealership that offer that which you want. You are not second guessing, you already have the vision and the understanding of that which you want and when you find it the connection is there.
I know a relationship is not the same as buying a car, but I am sure you can understand the message in this example. I am feeling lonely because I have not found what I want, yet it is important to be clear on what exactly I want and only then will I find it.
Loneliness is a an emotion and one can be surrounded by many people yet feel lonely, I know this well and that is something I do not want to feel again. Therefore I choose to say, "I am not really lonely, I am just alone. I am alone by choice because one day, I understood that it was better to be alone that to be in the wrong company. It was better to be on my own, if I was the only one to call the shots. I will choose to be alone until a good man infiltrates my circle and alone becomes a thing of the past"